Ping Pong
with hong kong king kong (a sing song)

The People's Republic Of China
Ministry Of Entertainment And Propaganda
Concerning The Avatar Club at the Cafe Momus, Hong Kong

The Avatar Club is held every Wednesday night at the Cafe Momus, Hong Kong. Subsidised by the People's Republic of China, the club exists to pour scorn on stereotypes of the British, who dominated colonial Hong Kong for over 100 years.

It has previously been the Chinese government's policy to use broad, instantly-recognisable historical caricatures for this purpose: John Bull, Colonel Blimp, Stiff-Lipped Monty... But, taking into consideration the artistic subtlety of Artistic Director Momus, the authorities have permitted the introduction of some fresh stereotypes of British villains. This has been done with the sole purpose of increasing the damage done to the British national image.

Encouraged by the hissing and hatred he inspired with his classic portrayals of effete pseudo-homosexuals and sleazy politicians who would fuck your sister at the drop of a hat, Artistic Director Momus has pushed further and further into the realm of scurrilous national insult, as though he were determined to outdo the lurid caricature Nazis and industrialists in the work of Berliners Dix, Heartfield and Grosz.

Artistic Director Momus's salary, paid directly from Beijing, has been increased. The technology at his disposal has been upgraded to the most modern currently available. He currently has a staff of 47 technicians, volunteers handpicked from the National Army and placed in charge of lighting, sound and acrobatic stunts.

In the current show at the Cafe Momus, 'Ping Pong' (a name easy for the clientele to pronounce and recommend to their anti-English friends) the talented traitor Momus has followed in the steps of Quisling, Ezra Pound and Lord Haw Haw. He has taken his portrayal of his own flesh and blood to new heights of absurdity.

His Majesty The Baby, the song which opens this futuristic vaudevillian revue, proposes, as did the great traitor Jonathan Swift, that excess children should be executed (a policy already much practiced in modern day China). This admirable scenario is soon followed by one of his greatest dramatic inventions, the teutonic Professor Shaftenberg (perhaps a distant relation of the current British royal family, themselves largely german), whose sole pleasure is to collude sexually with his old Axis allies the Japanese (no friends of the Chinese historically, let us remind you).

In the dark murder ballad My Pervert Doppelganger, Momus probes deeply into the still-gaping wound of the great British beef scandal by imagining sexual derring do on 'piles of slithering meat' at Smithfield, the quaint wrought iron building at the heart of London's rank and putrid meat dissemination network.

Later he laughs at the sexual impotence of the island race in a song called The Animal That Desires, proclaiming that in Britain, this land of politely frigid tea drinkers, it is easy to picture oneself as 'the only animal that desires and reproduces sexually'.

In The Age Of Information the Artistic Director champions openness and pillories the 'secretive mandarins who creep on heels of tact'. This is in no way intended as a slur on the original mandarins of China, but is a critique of the inscrutable officials of the Whitehall civil service and their reluctance to countenance the inevitable ultimate freedom of information in this glorious digital age. 'The only way to hide facts,' sings Major Momus of the People's Army, 'is with interpretations'.

Space Jews, another number performed in the mock-pagoda theatre of the Avatar Club, turns British anti-semitism on its head, proposing that the colonisation of space can only happen if we openly admit our debt to the superior intelligence of the jewish people. My Kindly Friend The Censor lampoons the absurd stifling impulse of British artistic censorship, still very much practised to this day.

How To Get And Stay Famous decries the cheap and shoddy nature of the showbiz and pop entertainment products which are rapidly becoming Britain's most important cultural export, and delineates the degrading life of an aspiring pop performer, ready to accept compromise even as he is repulsed by his own craven submission.

We the Chinese authorities are mightily pleased to have such accurate and deadly criticism of the ex-colonial power being performed weekly onstage in Hong Kong.

Heaven forbid that we may one day think similar thoughts about our own nation.

Huang Ling Po
Director Of Satire
Ministry Of Entertainment And Propaganda
November 1997