Oskar Tennis Champion

The Lyrics





Spooky Kabuki
We are the pirates
We sail in silence
On frigates, through darkness
Some fear us, our violence
Others admire us
Come to our islands
The sea is still calm
Bring all your diamonds
Our caves are warm
These waves herald a storm
We'll do you no harm
You have no choice
Lucky our hearts are warm
Trust me, you're lost


Is It Because I'm A Pirate?
Now I've done a string of horrible things
Like murdering, pillaging and theft
I've looted the junks in the Straits of Malacca
Put Spanish explorers to death
But prejudice would be the ugliest thing
For a waitress so lovely to feel

Is it because I'm a pirate
You seem to have cancelled our date?
And is it because I'm a pirate
That now it's a quarter to eight
Your prejudice turns you against me
But I am prepared to wait

'I like your eyepatch!' 'Who said that?'
I took in your waist then your face
Floating above me, pouring out tea
In some Nakameguro place
And though it was rude to the girl I was with
I asked if you'd go for a date
And then when you said you'd be happy to meet
I dreamed of your breasts and your face

Is it because I'm a pirate
You seem to have cancelled our date?
Your prejudice turned you against me
And now it's a quarter past eight
A stereotype would be ugly
For someone so lovely to propagate

Of course I am wanted by customs officials
Of course I'm an international fugitive
When not slitting throats of the people on boats
I am kind and surprisingly sensitive
Set your mind free, as I know you can
One day you may see me as just another man

Is it because I'm a pirate
I seem to be stood up again?
And is it because I'm a pirate
It's already quarter to ten?
Life is too short, I am too great
For a waitress so lovely to hate
I am prepared to wait


Multiplying Love
If love is good
As most agree
Loving two must be
Twice as good
And loving three...
Well, you get the idea
That all seems pretty logical and uncontroversial to me
So why call me cheat or hypocrite
For loving another girl?
I'm simply multiplying love;
There's never enough in this world

Scottish Lips

Because I have Scottish lips
You think you can tell me you love me
Because I have Scottish lips
You are listening hard to your glands
Because I have Scottish lips
You are dancing a fling in your knickers
Your love for my Scottish lips
Knows no bounds
It's the love that is known
The love that is known to baboons

Don't love me for my Scottish lips
But my truffles and my baklava
Grilled eggplant, delicious mint salsa
Love me for my cooking!
Don't be stupid, I'm joking
I'm only joking

Get lost if you tell me you love me
When it's all for my Scottish lips
Why can't you tell me you love me for stuff
That's a bit more important than this
Tell me you love me in spirit
Tell me you love me in soul
Or you love me in mind
Even if it's a lie
And when I reply
Look me deep in the eye
Or at least try to look the other way

Just make sure your gaze never slips
Down to my Scottish lips

My Sperm Is Not Your Enemy
My sperm is not your enemy
In it glistens destiny
Some day you'll appreciate
This acrid, viscose gunk
An agglomerate of goo
Ammonia, bamboo
Condensed milk, runny glue
And eternity!

My sperm is not your enemy
Hold it in your hand
You hold (you know it's true)
The future of man!

Touch it, I invite you!
You're its inspiration and its muse
Taste it, it won't bite you!
It's just a fluid, how could it hurt you?
Oh go ahead, what do you have to lose?

And all the powers of this earth
Choose whom to throw down
But you choose who is born
And all the presidents and kings
May control gold
You control these pearls
I've said it once before, I'll say it once again:

Who controls the sperm of men
Controls the world

Oskar Tennis Champion
Uncle Oskar, an intensely idealistic tennis star
Goes to see a guru at an architecture seminar
It seems the radiant city will soon be ushered in
Where all things will be modular and rational and clean
Green space, tennis, pleasures all planned
And nothing, says the man, to fear or fail to understand
The world will be 'Ein Lichtspiel Schwartz-Weiss-Grau'
As predicted by the experts at the Bauhaus, Dessau

Oh Oskar tennis champion, we're sorry for your frau
Now Moholy Nagy is your holy cow

My uncle is inspired to start his dream home right away
He steps out of the hall, but in his hurry, to his great dismay
He fails to see the rake, it bangs him in the face
Causing him to trip, and, to his horror and disgrace
A barrel of molasses hanging dangling in the sky
Falls upon my uncle and it hits him in the eye
It trickles down his back, my uncle's quickly stuck
To the sleepers of the nearby monorail track

Oh Oskar tennis champion uh-oh wow
Who but Le Corbusier could save you now?

Next time we see our hero two experimental trains
Are hurtling down the monorail towards my uncle's balls and brains
Then comes a bolt of lightning, a sudden cut in power
My uncle sees the whole facade of a residential tower
Crashing down towards him, he doesn't worry though
His survival is assured by the position of the window

Oh Oskar Tennis Champion, what's up doc?
Help, he goes, send Adolf Loos or the Keystone Cops!

Oh Oskar Tennis Champion
It's all gone wrong
Who knew you'd see Utopia but you'd be King Kong?

Oskar Tennis Champion uh-oh wow
Can pompous Walter Gropius save you now?

Ultra-modernism it's a drag
When Jacques Tati and Buster Keaton write your gags

A Little Schubert
Beendet ist mein Sommer
Mein Winter hier anfangt
Auf wiedersehn mein liebe
Kunst, freud und geschlecht
Ich nehme eine Winterreise
Mein Todes bin am Ende
Verlasst von meiner Freundin
Und ihrem besten Freund

Ich hore ein kleines Schubert
Durch Schubert, durch Schubert
Ich hore ein kleines Schubert
Von einem Salon
Es benennt zu mir ' Hubert, Hubert, Hubert
Kommt!'

Ich komme herein, vermische mich
Klatsche ich and kichere ich
Arrogant, trinke ich
Den besten reisling Wein
Bald argumentiere ich, klatsche ich und dann kmpfe ich ich bilde ein farrago, Benehmen wie ein Schwein

Sie spielen ein wenig schubert
In diesem Salon
Es benennt zu mir ' Hubert, Hubert, Hubert
Kommt!'

Und so fliegt mein Herz auf Flugel der Schildkrotetaube zum Alabaster Bosom der Dame Ich die meiste Liebe, mein liebes abgereistes Mama

Der Hauswirt nahm mein Haus, die Decke kommt zuruck
Die Polizei verfangt mich -- in ein augenblick
Die Kommunisten wunschen einen ganz Generalstreik Mein Herz blutet am Metzger auf dem hackenden Block

Ich spiele ein Stuck durch Schubert
Ich spiele ein Stuck durch Schubert
Durch Schubert Durch Schubert
Ich spiele ein Stuck druch Schubert ber und uber wieder
Es sagt zu mir weich
Hubert, Hubert Hubert
Kommen her!

Beendet ist mein Sommer
Mein Winter ist jetzt hier
Auf wiedersehn mein liebe
Ihr langes schwarzes Haar
Ich nehme eine Winterreise
Mein Todes bin am Ende
Ich legte mit einem Rucksack mit keiner Freundin dar

Ich hore ein kleines Schubert
Durch Schubert, durch Schubert
Ich hore ein kleines Schubert
Entlang auf dem Wind zu treiben
Es verlangt das letzte Mal 'Hubert! Hubert! Hubert!
Kommt!'

Und ja dann bin ich bereit zu kommen

The Laird Of Inversnecky
'I'd rather sleep with her with no clothes on than you in your best suit'
I said to my dummy at the Winter Gardens, Rothesay, Isle of Bute
While the manager, praying for rain, watched the 50 grey clouds
Rolling in
Knowing if it rained we'd get the crowds
Knowing if it rained we'd get the crowds

Born in Greenock, 'the Tall Drole' was known to all
Worked in the mines and the mills but ended up in music hall
Maidie played the accordion, she was 'the Small Doll'
We could bring the hoose doon, nae bother at a'!

It all seems like yesterday, though you weren't alive
The Panopticon, the Trongate, Glasgow 1935
In the name of the wee man, here comes Funny Clive
God, it made you glad to be alive

It's the Laird of Inversnecky here, aye you ken me weil
With ma cast of characters frae places that are nearly real
Cold today! Aye! That's why we're by the seaside
Everybody come
To the Aberdeen Beach Pavilion
Every single night is fun!

I began as the panto tea boy
Became the canny Scot
Like a chimney sweep on a ladder to very top
Synonymous for many with my famous character
The Reverend IM Jolly the morose minister

The character comedians you may see today
Where'd they get their talent for remarkable mimicry?
It's plain to see, it came from me
I saw them scribbling away
They all laughed like crazy
At my "hoity-toity ladies"

'The flag at the castle is half mast high
Let's all go down to Mackie's for a wee cup of tea'

It's the Laird of Inversnecky here, back to make you greet
The Portobello pierrots they cannae compete
At the Aberdeen Beach Pavilion
Sixteen bloody years we've run
And every single night of it's been fun!
Every single bloody night's been fun!

The Last Communist
'Would the last communist out
Switch off the lights?'
They shout as they go
Into the night

They think that it's over
Maybe it is
But I'm staying here
Alone with this promise

In my mind
It still exists
I'm the last communist
Alone in the Soviet Union

In the Soviet Union
There's a lightswitch on the wall
In the Soviet Union
And a canteen down the hall
In the Soviet Union
I make faces with a torch
In the Soviet Union
In the mirror on the back of the bathroom door
In the Soviet Union
Shining up the lino on the corridor floor
In the Soviet Union
Eating dead pigeons cold and raw
In the Soviet Union
Drinking vodka through a straw
In the Soviet Union
Weeping for the visions Lenin saw

I like it here, I like it fine
The radiator's warm
The bus is on time

And healthcare is free
A job is for life
The caretaker is me
I'm switching on the lights

In my mind
It will exist
I'm the first communist
Alive in the Soviet Union

(In the world of freedom)
You lived a long time ago
You filled your shoes with six black toes
You rode to work on a big skateboard
And swiped your celery barcode
Exploding filippino washing machines
Your sinister servants watch TV
You shake our palm trees violently
Until the coconuts fill your plastic tray
You're writing up the budget and you're purchasing supplies
It's always someone else's turn to die
You're launching major missile strikes
To prove you'll never drink Zamzam cola
The car protecting your child is killing mine
You're blinded by the headlights on the autobahn
A chimp made off with your sports jacket, boy
Your king is a monkey and a mongoloid

Today I'm alone
The war hasn't even begun
But your king hasn't won
One day you'll come

It's so clear
Our future's here
I am just the caretaker
All is forgiven!
Come back communism!

Pierrot Lunaire
The string to his head
The boss makes it nod
The string to his mouth
His mum pulls for food
The string to his soul
It leads up to God
But who controls
The string to his cock?

In the bleak midwinter
At the bottom of the stair
I'll set myself on fire
Pour petrol in my hair
If he would ever notice
If he could ever care
I'm just so bored with Pierrot Lunaire

Football on a Sunday
Drinks after work
Tuesday a DJ
Friday a jerk
And what really matters
And who really cares
My lover's a puppet
Pierrot Lunaire

In the bleak midwinter
At the bottom of the stair
I'll set myself on fire
Pour petrol in my hair
If he would ever notice
If he could even care
I'm just so bored with Pierrot Lunaire

Others have boyfriends
Boyfriends who care
Of flesh and blood
Not string and air
They lay them on beds
They whisper 'je t'aime'
They take off their clothes
And make love to them
One day I'll cut my arms off
And send them to him
I'll sever my legs
Suspend them from strings
I'll be Polcinella
We'll hang out so close
My wooden cheek
To his wooden nose

In the bleak midwinter
At the bottom of the stair
I'll set myself on fire
Pour petrol in my hair
As if you'd even notice
As if you'd ever care
I'm so in love Pierrot Lunaire

Lysergic Lysander
Nodding his head
A glittery panda
That needs to be fed
A Cantonese opera
Performed at the zoo
These foolish things
Remind me of you

And the puppet girls kiss you
Up there on the moon
They must know I miss you
Please come back soon
In the bleak midwinter
At the bottom of the stair
I'm on fire
Pierrot Lunaire

In the bleak midwinter
At the bottom of the stair
I'll set myself on fire
Pour petrol in my hair
If you could ever notice
If you would ever care
I'm so in love with Pierrot Lunaire

I know you can't cry so don't even try
When you've cried as much as me, the tears roll by
The years rain down, the tears don't dry
They dangle from your chin like a memory
I passed you on the stair, you're like, I swear
'Who's been sleeping in baby bear's lair?
How's Cruel Frederick, is anybody there?
The Nosferatu puppet with corkscrew hair?
The nest of baby spiders underneath the chair?
All the survivors of the massacre
All the little friends of Henry Darger
Living large but dreaming larger
Patience is a virtue and virtue is a grace
And Grace is a little girl who slaps your face
I know you can't cry so don't even try
When you've cried as much as me, the tears roll by
The years rain down, the tears don't dry
They dangle from your chin like a memory
All the little tears going down the drain
Pierrot Lunaire, here we go again

Beowulf (I Am Deformed)
I have come with my sword Naegling
And the usual aches and pains
To defeat Grendel, the monster
Lately scourge of the Danes
Showing no mercy in the mead hall
He laid waste thirty thanes
In return I will chop off his shoulder
Then I will deal with his mother

Where is the disabled loo?
I'm feeling slightly queasy, woozy
So would you if you'd had to do
The things I've had to do
Slay the good, slay the bad
Do I have the right to use the disabled loos?
Did they send the right man from the land of heroes?

Stop laughing, I am Beowulf
I give you my oath, as I was born
I am Beowulf
I am the hero coming to save you
I am deformed

Cancer gubbins that hangs at my neck like a turkey throat
Swaddling leather trussing up a shrivelled belly bloat
Dangling from my orifice is a puzzling speculum drip
If you promise not to tell anyone I have a hare lip
A smoking hole and a very large mole
My face it slithers, my ears are torn
Don't laugh, I am deformed

Stop laughing, I am Beowulf
I give you my oath, as I was born
I am Beowulf
I am the hero coming to save you
I am deformed

So go ahead, laugh, you won't be the first
Richard the Hundredth, the Hunchback laughed
Henry Dalrymple the simpleton convulsed with mirth
At this sick rubber joke my bones as they poke out of a hole in my skin
At this helplessly flailing mutant apalling prosthetic thalydomide limb
Have a good laugh while you're at it at my schlong
My metallic foot brace it scratches and drags
I dribble down a twig
I twitch along the ground
My Breugel boots they beggar belief
I have the stinky shanks of a hound
My patchy moustache hides a birthmark
I have come to save Denmark

Stop laughing, I am Beowulf
I give you my oath, as I was born
I am Beowulf
I am the hero I've come to save you
And I am deformed

Electrosexual Sewing Machine
The noise of the street enters the house
Darkness conceals the electro-sexual sewing machine
An eagle is wearing your clothes
Your foot has a shoe with six toes
The ghost of a girl with long black hair
Plays the koto as you go to sleep

It seems you were born in some Czechoslovakian town
Your buttons were torn from a Hapsburg Empire silk dressing gown
Far away and a long time ago
Crimson and black in the snow
A spooky young man whose face was scarred
Mixed you up with the killer of flies

In a pitch black forest
Twelve blind people are screaming in horror and fear
For their guide
Maybe he died

Mechanisation is taking command
All decoration is banned on the word of the ultra-sadistic popular front
A shrimp has made off with your shirt
You're naked in front of the court
They're reading from your biography
It's the part where the character dies

In a pitch black forest
Twelve blind people are waiting in horror and fear
For their guide
Maybe he died

A Lapdog
Powerless, with my talk of Guy Debord and Gide
To rival a chihuahua or some other breed of lapdog
I sent you to Antarctica, I'm very sorry now
I sensed that I could only mean a thing to you
If I could somehow be a lapdog too
But to send you to Antarctica to face your certain death
Was a very, very heartless thing to do

You're wearing your pink flip flops
You tell me in your letter
You like the friendly crunch they make
On the snow, even though there's horrible weather
You've brought your lapdog with you
It pokes its head out of your coat
The animal looks undeniably cute
With a little bark rising up in its throat

But penguins won't stop following you
They march in a long black line
It's menacing and sinister
And soon it will be night-time

And the Situationists loom very small indeed
Alongside a chihuahua or some other breed of lapdog
Perhaps if they loomed smaller they'd be cute enough to love
And maybe someday I could mean something to you
If I could somehow be a lapdog too
So do people flirt and laugh, are they photographing you?
If there were anybody there I'm sure they would do
But the last time you looked down to pat your lapdog's tiny head
Its little eyes were frozen, it was dead

And penguins won't stop following you
They march in a long black line
It's menacing and sinister
And soon it will be night-time

The Situationists and me loom very small indeed
Alongside a chihuahua or some other breed of lapdog
Perhaps if we were dumb and small enough
We'd become worthy of your love

Lovely Tree
Keep, lovely tree, your leaves in wintertime
Stand strongly in your bark of love
Make shelter for the lion and the lamb
Keep every tender beast safe from the butcher's knife

Mothers are giving birth in wintertime
Miners find copper in the mine
And in a palace made of dangling icicles
Grapes of ice are hanging dangling from the lovely vine

Last night I wandered in a wasteland
I was abandoned to the snow
You came through forests thick with tangled undergrowth
With chicken soup, a Twix bar and some winter clothes

Palm Deathtop
The house of the dead becomes more and more real to me
As the list of dead friends on my Palm increases
Though I don't believe in the permanent soul
I can't help asking 'But where do they go?'
And the love I invest
In my lovers deceased
Drains my love for those who exist
At an actual and earthly address

I update the database
Daily from my laptop
Using new vaporware:
Palm Deathtop

I'm starting to wish I could see my old friends again
At the glamorous party to which they've departed
Well, what do you know? I'm apparently invited
Look there, your name is also on the list
Sooner or later, we'll all be there I guess
All already no longer exist
Together with our friends again

Let's update the database
Daily from our laptops
Using new vaporware:
Palm Deathtop









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